2000-05-04 - Spring Orgo Night
College Reading Room of Butler Library
[March in to Roar]
Ladies and Gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite Metallica’s incessant lawsuits, it's the Napster-est band in the world: The Columbia University Music Piracy.
Marching etc.
[fanfare]
Featuring:
J. Robin Williams - Fisher King
J. Jesus Christ - Fisher of men
And J. Donato Dalrymple - Fisher of little Cuban boys
[fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to spirited, saccharine, strangely antiseptic, sedulous, semi-circular, recently renovated, yet still in need of renovation, College Library, where the shelves are long-lasting, but sadly not the men, and the women are checked out but long overdue. Featuring< College Inn already gone, Mama Joy's on the way out, and the smell on 113 thSt. gone at last, presents its 31st consecutive, 69th semi-annual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the world's largest simultaneous Orgo.
[who owns]
It is well known that the Miami relatives of Elián Gonzalez recently applied for US citizenship for the boy, but little known to most is that they also applied for the Living and Learning Center. "What this family needs right now is some time alone in a Hartley suite," said one of the family's lawyers. One Columbia official said, "The Living and Learning Center is really about living and learning. For example, Lázaro would finally get a chance to earn his college degree, Elian’s father Juan Miguel could help the ISO brainwash new recruits, Marisleysis could learn stop being such a psycho, and the crazy fisherman could delight and entertain everyone ŕ la Skippy from Family Ties." The father rejected the proposal and demanded his right to take the boy back to Wien. The residents of Wien vigorously supported the boy's return. The food court was planning to create a new meaning to the words, "refugee wrap." This induced protests from the relatives' camp that the closet space in Wien was sufficient for raising a little boy. President Clinton tried to resolve the situation a la King Solomon and suggested that the boy should be cut in half. But, this solution broke down when neither side could on which they would get. The band now forms a crazy fisherman and plays "Sweet Political Football of Mine."
[Play "sweet child o’ mine"]
Columbia has recently had some long-awaited athletic success. The men's tennis team won its first Ivy League championship in six years. {Pause for wild applause} And last year, the golf team won its first Ivy League championship ever. They were unable to duplicate their success this year, but they did do Columbia proud by demanding that the tournament be restaged on the grounds that they had not lost by enough strokes. Now students are demanding success in sports not requiring a 30 thousand dollar membership fee. In response, the athletic department has upgraded several Columbia facilities. For example, you may have noticed the flashing sign above the entrance of the Dodge Fitness Center, pulled out your E-Z-pass, and tried to change lanes for quick access into the Lincoln Tunnel. Levien< Gymnasium now includes a new sound system, featuring the hot new sounds of C+C Music Factory, designed to draw students' attention away from the fact that the games are being played in a high school gym. Another recent< addition is the new mascot that resembles Grizzlor, the Hairy Henchman of the Evil Horde, and eternal enemy of He-Man. One mother, attending a basketball game, attempted to soothe her frightened young child, saying, "There, there, honey, it's just a man in a lion cost-- Run Johnny, run!" Reeves defended the man-beast saying, "At least it's not as hairy as the dance team members." The band now forms a man-beast endowed with superhuman powers and plays Dancing Queen.
[Band plays dancing queen.]
In a recent contract dispute, Time Warner Cable took ABC off the air for two days, allowing dedicated Urkel viewers to realize that other stations have shows that suck also. Time Warner agreed to most of Disney's demands, but balked at the 300 million dollar price tag and told Mickey to go fuck himself. Mickey himself could not be reached for comment as he was too busy getting fucked by Regis Philbin. Fortunately the FCC stepped in before the preempting of the concluding half of a very special "Boy Meets World," allowing thousands of prepubescent viewers to learn that incest can be funny on TV but should be avoided in real life. Also, don't do drugs. The near preemption of the Kentucky Derby also forced members of Beta at Columbia to reschedule their Saturday afternoon plans from drinking and horse racing to drinking and vomiting. Fortunately, ABC is now back on the air here in New York, before Disney could loose its stifling grip on the city, and has to revert to shadier enterprises near Time Square. including shows such as "Poke-my-hontas," "The Loin King," "Sleeping booty," and "The Humping Back of Notre Dame," and "Ass Fuck 2: Big Titty Version." The band now forms Regis giving Mickey his final answer and plays
[Play ]
After careful consideration, the United States Defense Department recently rejected the applications of Afghanistan and Pakistan to the official list of terrorist nations. They would have joined such select company as North Korea, Libya, and Iraq. The governments were crushed to discover they were not accepted, due to Pakistan's volatile relationship with India and the failure of the US to even recognize Afghanistan's government. (www.taliban.com) Perhaps taking his cue from the Columbia administration, a senior U. S. official said, "If we pretend their government doesn't exist, then it means they can't be raping any women." Defense Department officials attempted to soften the blow of this refusal in their rejection letter, stating that, while both countries' qualifications were impressive, there was an unusually violent applicant pool this year. Despite this effort, both nations complained bitterly, stating that , not only had they turned their applications in on time, they had also participated in all possible terrorist activities. "I don't understand," claimed one state official from Afghanistan, "we funded religious militants, and we even got a recommendation from alumnus Osama bin Laden." A representative from Pakistan complained, "They just wanted to save a spot for Palestine after it becomes a country." Jesse Helms said the complaints had no merit. "I've seen The Siege, and well, terrorists are more of a ` lightbrown color." In honor of international terrorism the band now forms a hostage crisis and plays "Secret Agent Man."
[Band plays "Secret Agent Man"]
Now let's take some time to meditate on toll gun violence has taken on our society. (One for me, one for Dylan and Eric) In the aftermath, the NRA has felt the need to defend itself stating, "In our plan, no seven- year-old will be able to pick up a gun without proper training." In order to further encourage children to use guns responsibly, it went as far as to sponsor 'NSYNC's summer tour. The plan back fired when 'NSYNC fully embraced this edgier new style, hoping that its new single, "Bye, Bye, Biatch," would garner street credibility. Outbreaks between the band and rival Backstreet Boys erupted, including bike-by shootings, which posed a possible threat to the groups' anticipated tours and public appearances. Justin, one of the band's members, went so far as to "hit the nasty dugout" with Britany Spears, gansta bitch. Maker of the band and fat pervert, Lou Pearlman, mourned the situation, saying, "Can't we just get along and make sweet, sweet child pornography…(long pause) I mean music?" The band now forms a boy band packing heat and plays "Shaft."
[Band plays "Shaft."]
A bizarre incident occurred on campus earlier this semester, when a graduate student was expelled for allegedly removing radioactive potassium from her lab and placing it under her pillow. The university offered the highly plausible explanation that she was trying to contaminate herself so that she would be allowed to transfer to the business school. Colleagues defended the student, pointing out that exposure to potentially lethal radiation is far preferable to the amount of paper work needed to transfer. The band has struggled to find a more reasonable explanation. Perhaps she expected a lucrative gift from the potassium rod fairy. Or that she wanted to coin the new catch phrase, "radioactive as the other side of the pillow." Most likely, the potassium is a byproduct of the legendary "über-banana." The band now forms an unlikely motive and plays "I wanna be radiated."
[Band plays "I wanna be sedated."]
This production is sponsored by the Columbia University Dance Team, the hairiest dance team in New York.
Well, that's all for us tonight. But before we go, we'd like to leave you with a few study hints for that big Orgo exam tomorrow:
TNT, or tri-nitro-toluene, destroys old buildings in a wash of flames, whereas TNT, or Turner Network Television, destroys old movies with a wash of color
A kilo of carbon is one-half a mole, whereas a dealer of coke is turned in by a mole
When you expose aluminum to absolute zero, it becomes a superconductor, but when you expose our drum major to Absolut vodka, she becomes a Super Conductor
[March out to Raw]